Let’s sing of grand old I-O-Way, yo-ho-ho (and a bottle of rum for anyone who can sit through bad movies). You know, the place you mistake for Idaho all the time, usually only fly over, and think it is filled river to river with people who wear bib overalls and have Charlotte the pig for a best friend… Well, you might be right, but being born and raised in I-O-Way, I can tell you a couple of true things. Yes, Johnny Carson, Dear Abby, and John Wayne were born here (even though he was born as Marian Michael Morrison – meh), we have the second largest frying pan in Newton, Iowa (I like their slogan – they’re not the first largest, but sure ain’t the third largest), and in the great year of our lord 1988, there were two movies filmed where the tall corn grows. One was filmed in Dyersville, Iowa, funded by Universal Pictures, with a young Kevin Costner being told to dig a massive baseball diamond in the middle of a cornfield, titled Field of Dreams. The other was about a film crew making a movie about a demonic cow that infects the local citizens to become were-cows to eat the people who have eaten them for all these years, called Zadar! Cow From Hell! Guess which movie set still brings crowds from across the world to tour to this day? (Hint: one has a major league baseball game played on it yearly, and the other barely made it on VHS!)
At first, much like the act of detasseling (IYKYK), the film can be very annoying, confusing, and puzzling because Zadar! Cow From Hell! is not about an evil cow from hell named Zadar. It’s about a film crew who come to the great state of I-O-Way, where they watch the corn from night and day, to make a low-budget, independent horror film titled Zadar! Cow From Hell! (they were meta before meta was cool to be meta). In the history of films about films being filmed, most are bombs, and I would argue this happens because no one goes to films to watch a film being filmed. It’s hard to ask an average Joe to forget reality when he is constantly reminded of the realities of reality on the big screen. The Player, Hail! Caesar, and An Alan Smithee Film: Burn, Hollywood, Burn! may be critical and emotionally great films, but they were not box-office stampedes, nor was Zadar! Cow From Hell! A brainchild of Duck’s Breath Mystery Theatre, a comedy group formed in 1975 by University of Iowa students Bill Allard, Dan Coffey, Merle Kessler, Leon Martell, and Jim Turner, after a couple of successful albums, the team decided to bring their humor to the big screen in a big way with a big film… but without a big budget! Armed with a a couple of friends, a zest for their home state, and a willingness to make the unfunny (kinda) funny, the group ascended upon the towns of Solon, Mt. Vernon, and Iowa City, I-O-Way to create their (moooooooovie) magic, but due to poor theatrical distribution, a bit of negative critical seasoning, and failing to bring their energy, wit, and charm to the screen, the group disbanded not too soon after the film soured like left over milk. However, it has gained a reputation over the years (good and bad), and for a small independent movie, it doesn’t deserve to be as good as it actually turned out to be. Some humorous moments are planted throughout, especially the robbery of the local grocery store (including a great performance by future Down Periscope and King of the Hill actor Toby Huss in his first-ever appearance), yet awkward edits and the need to soliloquy to the camera make this t-bone funnybone a little dry and burnt!
The film within the film Zadar! Cow From Hell! is going to be the greatest horror film ever released in theatres… once it actually gets made. As the filmmakers get the okay from the Iowa Motion Picture Association board (yes, there is an entity, and the great people there can be reached at https://impa.tv/), the idea to make the film in their own hometowns seems like a brilliant idea, and why not? To make Zadar and its zombie were-cows seem more realistic, why not set it in the real heartland of I-O-Way, where people rest having stood the test (of watching terrible movies at the local drive-in)! However, there is only one problem: the great people of I-O-Way have reached a crest in their film knowledge by trying to figure out what the heck a C-Stand is used for! Will the film crew be able to make their Citizen Cow, or will they find it udder-ly impossible to milk the citizens and their beautiful small-town culture for all their worth?
Jerkied your way at eighty-seven minutes, and directed by Emmy winner Robert C. Hughes (who previously directed classics like Hunter’s Blood and Memorial Day Massacre), upon viewing the film I just happened to be visiting family in West Branch, I-O-Way and traveled to the house where the film crew stayed (pictured above) because it’s not every day you get to visit a true howdy house of horrors. Finding it on VHS or any other format can be as hard to believe as the plot of the movie, but you can find hefty rips of this grassy-gassy killer on YouTube. So, if you ever plan to visit I-O-Way, where the tall tails of independent zinger dingers grow, you could waste your time going where ghost ball players come out of the field, but why not visit the Hamburg Inn No. 2 and get yourself the “Zadar” omelette, consisting of two eggs, mad cow ground beef, and I-O-Way dairy cheese, served by a local actor who still has were-cow horns superglued to his head!
