B Movie Challenge: Untamed Women

It hard be not write good for stupid picture review, but hard it feel after watching such massive dino dropping! Women in movie be bad. Men be good. But men do dumb-dumb things. Women want men who do dumb-dumb things and become dodoheads! Much like how audience feel after sit through flashing images on screen of stinky pile of mammoth duky called Untamed Women. See, way back when hairy men think they entertained good-good with flashy images, but now know people wrong who do this, cause thingy called movie turn out baaaaaaaaadddddd. Women scorned like h, e, double hockey sticks old saying goes. Still, scorned audiences are after watching armadillos with horns taped to heads, iguanas super biggy, and elephants with hair suits to be wholly mammoth (okay, okay I’ll drop the smart talk)!

Growing up reading such classics as Gary Paulson’s Hatchet (I don’t believe you can have sharp objects on plans anymore) or watching classic (not) shows like Survivor have trained a generation how to survive in cases of emergency (although I have no idea how voting off one of your castmates will help; maybe eating one of them, possibly?). What no one ever prepares those of us on wandering sojourns of lost cinema is how stock footage can be used (or, to be more blunt, overused)… and used… and used some more… over, and over, and over again. A majority of this film, especially the Jurrasic stuff, is lifted from an old earlier Hal Roach Studios film, One Million B.C. (which also provided stock footage for another dirty fossil from Bert I. Gordon called King Dinosaur), but at the very end of the film, during the climatic volcano eruption, most of this footage was taken from stock footage from National Geographic (♫dum-de-dum-da-da-dum, bom-bom♫). The filmmakers do okay mixing stock footage with newly shot scenes, and the scene where one of the soldiers is chased up a tree by an iguana works very well for the time and technology. The cast does the best they are given but it must have been hard for actress Midge Ware (who starred in television shows like The Beverly Hillibilies and Police Woman) to deliver great lines like “The Hairy Men! The Hairy Men are coming and are killing our sisters!” and not think of what grade she earned in her acting classes (A+ for not laughing saying goofy dialogue like that).

It’s the height of WWII and four of our dedicated pilots are doing their best to keep the airways clear of enemy forces, but when their plane gets a nasty boo-boo, their plane crashes into the sea. As they swim to the nearest shore, they find a remote island with all sorts of large (tiny) creatures that sort of resemble dinosaurs and prehistoric creatures (aside from the fact most are 2cm tall). It’s not just geckos floating around, as the servicemen find a tribe of wild and feral… well, untamed women. Although the women are hesitant at first, muttering fragmented segments that would make Yoda green with envy, they eventually warm to their charm, knowing they might help protect their tribe from the nasty “Hairy Men” Neanderthals (glad in Flinstone outfits and bad Mosos wigs). Will our armed heroes save the damsels in distress (even though they’re armed with bows and arrows) before the gods go crazy and spit up fire from the dirty dirt? Add in some pet iguanas slipping on miniature sets, some goofy Brooklyn accent, and a couple of wild dances around a bonfire (think of polka music while watching) to escape in a wild, wonky world of the lost!

Spearing your way at 70 minutes, and directed by W. Merle Connell (who directed behemoths like The Devil’s Sleep and The Flesh Merchant), the film was supposedly filmed in one week, but I would argue that mostly filming the ending of the Volcano eruption for ten years(seriously, just cause you have stock footage doesn’t mean you have to use ALL of it!). You can find this relic on most streaming platforms, along with most of the other stock footage spliced throughout. So pull up your army-issued bootstraps, hunt down some tasty dino nuggets made of minced Komodo Dragon, and prepare to crashland into an island of lost souls while pulling back on the (cardboard cutout) steering wheel (that’s right, cardboard, no yoke).

About Ian Klink

As a filmmaker, writer, and artist, Ian Klink’s work includes the feature film Anybody’s Blues and short stories for Weren't Another Way to Be: Outlaw Fiction Inspired by Waylon Jennings, Negative Creep: A Nirvana-Inspired Anthology, A-Z of Horror: U is for Unexplained, The Creeps, Vampiress Carmilla, The Siren’s Call, and Chilling Tales For Dark Nights. Born and raised in Iowa, Klink lives with his family in Pennsylvania where he shares his talents as a teacher of multimedia studies.

View all posts by Ian Klink

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