When Eadweard Muybridge developed his infamous 1878 masterpiece Sallie Gardner at a Gallop (aka The Horse in Motion) to solve a gambling bet if a horse lifted all four legs off the ground as they ran, I’m pretty positive he never knew his creation would be the beginning of two very important milestones: the creation of cinema, and the birth of genre where the horse is the star! Now, we all know a horse is a horse (of course, of course) and as the zoetrope footage rolled past their eyes that day, it was evident no one could ask or talk to a horse if this was true (of course), but they really could have (of course) if the horse was the famous… DON? I know, you might have thought I was talking about someone else like the palomino from Spirit: Stallion of the Cimaron or Mr. Ed (of course) or Francis, the Talking Mule (although he doesn’t count because he’s a jackass), but I speak (as a man not a horse, of course) of Don, the talking horse, the heralded four legged beast the studios bosses gambled on at the box office tracks, thinking he would would be the next big wave of cinematic winners. However, when his first starring role in 1988’s Hot to Trot came in last, the degenerate gamblers (producers) at Warner Brothers ripped up their tickets and raced their talking cinematic thoroughbred to the glue factory!
People yakkity-yak a streak, wasting their time always talking about how much this movie stinks like the stables it was filmed in, but I am here today to boldly stand by the film and place a wreath of roses around its neck. Is it the greatest movie of all time? Heck no, but nobody associated with the film ever thought it would be lauded with the likes of National Velvet (although a guest appearance by Elizabeth Taylor might have sold a seat or two). Made on a budget of nine million, the film barely grossed six million upon its release, but like Secretariat crossing the finish line, it was a miracle the film even made it to theatres at all. From the beginning, the film was passed by several directors, including Tim Burton (boy, it’s a shame he never had a career after this offer). When a rising comedian with a voice like angelic Gabriel, Bobcat Goldthwait, read the script he wrote on it, “Why do this?” to which his agent wrote back “$$$”, so the race wasn’t off to a rushing start. One of the biggest setbacks of all was the fact that the original voice of Don the Horse (DON??) was by M.A.S.H. star Elliot Gould, but when test screenings indicated audience disdain for his voice, the filmmakers threw a few sacks of Indio Oats filled with cash at John Candy (who is the highlight of the film) to re-record the voice. Not only did this push back the release date, which is never a good sign for a comedy film’s reputation, but Candy refused to record what he felt was horrible dialogue, choosing to improvise almost every single bit in the final film, talking till his voice was hoarse (of course). Nominated for five categories at the 9th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards (losing over this, Caddyshack II, and Mac & Me to Cocktail of all pictures), I can only assume the voters of this prestigious turkey gala never heard of a talking horse movie with such a plot. Well, maybe they should listen to this…
Poor Fred. Upon his dear mother’s passing, all of her wealth is given to his evil stepfather (played brilliantly by Dabney Coleman, even with massive buck teeth), except one special item: his father’s horse named Don (Don???). Understandably, at first, Fred is disappointed by this, but then Don (Don????) speaks to Fred’s soul! Now, unlike Mr. Ed, who never speaks unless he has something to say, this horse never shuts up! In fact, Fred even begins to take financial advice from his intelligent pet, especially the horse’s thoughts on the stock market, moving from a dirty barn stable to a fancy high-rise. However, can Don (Don?????) keep the riches coming, or will Fred have to hoof his way to earn money the hard way? Thus spoke Equus Caballus, the comedic element of this hip 80s answer to why the dung did people like shows such as My Mother, the Car!
(Horse)Flying your way to a galloping eighty-three minutes, and eventually directed by Michael Dinner (who directed classics like Heaven Help Us and the off-beat Off-Beat), the film did have a 1-800 number in which Don (Don??????) the horse would tell a few jokes as well as talk about the movie! You can find this on some streamers from time to time, like Tubi, but there was never an official DVD release of the film, making it one of the more valuable VHS tapes out there (talk about a tour-de-horse). So don’t be like Fred, who blindly assumes a horse is a horse (of course), but wait till it gives you an answer if you should endorse a talking horse movie that is assured to be a steady course of revenue at the box office, because sometimes what they say might be a giant pile of horse(CENSORED)!
