They say you can pretty much eat anything you want in the deep south (ask those hot dog eating champions, but wait until they chew their food first), from possum and racoon, all the way to a deep-fried scorpion if one so desires (talk about a stinging hunger, am I right), but nothing says ‘Murica than scarfing down a nice wiggly serpentes, or more commonly known as snakes! Whether deep-fried on the bayou or sautéed in a wok (wok, don’t run away from the snake), snake has been on the menu since man first hoisted up his skirts and screamed like banshees. However, the state of Florida has gone so far to state it does not recommend a person eat a snake, be it a rattler or even a giant python, as there can be dangerously high levels of mercury (as well as, you know, the whole “eating a slippery slimly sum*%$#” thing if you’re not used to it). Clearly (unlike their swampy waters), Floridians have never ridden their 1990 FXSTC Softail custom scooters down to their local ma and pa store to rent the deliciously action-packed southern fried gizzard Snake Eater, starring the small screen (but never a small temper) rebel rouser Lorenzo Lamas in one of his first snake charming performances (with a sly smile and roundhouse kick he slithers into your living rooms and our hearts).
Like the tagline for the VHS cover says: As dirty as Dirty Harry. As dangerous as Deliverance, which roughly is Cajun for: “Rent this movie, and if you think of those movies, you’ll want your money back!” It was pretty daring for Canadian company Cineplex to compare itself to such genre classics, but they’re not telling a lie (just stretching the truth a little, like a python shedding its skin). Made for a mere (looney) one million Canadian buckaroos, the film slithered its way onto the American VHS market and falls into a pit of other lethal chompers in the “hickploitation” genre, nesting alongside cult hits like Deliverance, Southern Comfort, Dixie Dynamite, White Lighting, and Gator Bait to name a few. The only real issue I have with the tag is comparing it to ‘Dirty’ Harry Calhan when this rips off (or homages) First Blood and the Rambo franchise (“Go ahead. Make my Moonshine!”), as well as the film acting like it was made in the Deep South, when it was lensed in the Great White North.
If your father was anything like mine then he probably bit into watching the classic series Renegade, which by proctor many of us fell in love with Lamas, so this film is a perfect introduction for the actor to join the likes of Segal, Stallone, and Van Damme as a qualifying movie your 90s dad rented based on being in the action section of the video store only. The major flaw of the film is its treatment of villains. Like most fans of late 80s-early 90s action films, the random no-named villains with a gun who are there for our hero to kick a can of whoop-ass on should follow the following guidelines:
- Sweat a lot
- Carry a gun larger than their mullets
- Have little to no dialogue
- Scream and crunch their faces when shot
If the makers would have left it to these few simples rules the movie would sidewind smoothly, but wild dialogue and bad delivery are all too noticeable and break the suspension of disbelieve for an audience wanting to escape into a story of a veteran undercover cop seeking revenge on swamp people too smart to be this dumb about being so naïve!
Officer Jack “Soldier” Kelly (Lamas) is a one-man killing machine. Whether it’s in the serpent-filled fields of Vietnam or the drug ridden streets of America (or Montreal), Kelly will do what he can to bring the bad guy to justice, even if it means going a little rogue in his methods, like booby snatching his surveillance room, sleeping with the enemy, or even hiding wiretaps somewhere that brings new meaning to deep undercover (check the prostate while you’re at it). Elsewhere (supposedly in the southern states), Kell’s mother, father, and little sis are floating down the Cape Fear (another southern charmer) when their houseboat is invaded by Junior and his stooges (literally there are scenes when three of them line up in a row and Junior slaps them) who kidnap little sis and BBQ Kelly’s parents and the boat. It’s only a matter of time before Kelly finds out, and this time he travels to the southern jungles to seek revenge. Will Kelly rescue little sis in time or will Junior and his gaggle of rednecks sink their fangs into Kelly’s hero? This little viper gives you everything you could ask or want, from broken beer bottles busted on big bikers’ butts to poisonous pansies puppets of putrid powerless punks, so do what Kelly does and slide smoothly so southern stupid squad are sniped for good!
Constricting at a winding ninety-four minutes, and motor boarded by lead captain George Erschbamer (who would paddleboat such classics as Aliens in the Wild, Wild West and Get Out Alive), who was also a special effects coordinator for years, working on Stallone creatures like Rocky IV and ironically First Blood (but not ironically on Cobra). You can hunt for this on most streamers like Tubi and YouTube, but it’s gonna be a bear to try and find its Lamas starring sequels Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster and Snake Eater III: …His Law (as well as the quasi-sequel Hawk’s Vengeance, sans Lamas or reptilian consumptions). So, the next time you have a hankering to be a bad guy (with no lines preferably) in the deep, dark, and damp south, make sure you pack some extra snake repellent, because if Kelly inhales a scent of your tom-foolery, it’s gonna be a snake, rattle, and roll-over-dead kind of meal!
