They say we all should taste of the greater things in life (which we all know is a nice slice of Iowa gas station pizza), so we should throw caution to the wind (eat my dust, Smokey) and rev our engines to enjoy champagne. It seems like every time a racecar driver wins a race (what? For going left over and over again?), they open a bottle of sparkling bubble wine and celebrate with great spirits! However, having just watched the amazing (can we build him a statue yet) Richard Masur in Semi-Tough, would it be the same to drink from the cheap champagne as long as the labels of the bottle have been replaced with more expensive ones? This is how I felt watching the overhauled (and overhyped) cross-country motor-floater car crash (and box office crash) comedy Speed Zone. With an all star cast (of celebrities who seem not to care, as long as the check cashed) including Donna Dixon, Matt Frewer, Tim Matheson, Mimi Kuzyk, Melody Anderson, Shari Belafonte, Dick and Tom Smothers, Peter Boyle, Alyssa Milano, John Schneider, Brooke Shields, Michael Spinks, Lee Van Cleef, Harvey Atkin, Brian George, Art Hindle, Louis Del Grande, Carl Lewis, and Richard Petty the only, the film roared into theatres, and stalled at the box office (as well as choked on the carbon dioxide filled gasps from the audience who were shocked this zoomed across their screens in the first place) because like (the great and powerful) Masur’s trick, there was a label on the poster to begin with that was ripped off, just like the audience, and that label was Cannonball Run III: Speed Zone.
After producing a small little film that I’m sure none of you had ever heard of called The Godfather (for which he won the Academy Award for Best Picture), Albert S. Ruddy jumped on the Burt Reynolds fan-wagon (he had the Cosmopolitan poster in his executive office wall) and produced two of his biggest hits of all time with The Longest Yard and a Hal Needam crash course delight called The Cannonball Run (which grossed one hundred and sixty million at the box office). Ruddy also has the prestigious honor of producing one of Reynolds’ biggest lemons with its sequel, Cannonball Run II (which only grossed fifty-six million). Though fun in the vein of Smokey and the Bandit balanced-shafted with It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, the films brought together many old and new celebrities who seem to be having a good time on screen (being the last film The Rat Pack would appear on screen together). They say it is impossible to kill a Toyota motor and the spirit of ‘76 (Gran Torino), but I would also add Ruddy’s determination to cross the finish line with the franchise, because he decided two rounds weren’t enough. Taking the back seat as an executive producer (meaning he checked his dipstick thousands of miles away from production), Ruddy was able to get top-of-their-game comedians to appear along with veteran stock, but after watching this El Camino of comedic disasters, it seems the transmission blew while assembling the parts! To be fair, I feel everyone who appears in the film agreed with good intentions (along with a hopeful boost for the older ones), but the gears were grinding from the get-go. It just needs to be said this film does fit under a comfortable car blanket of Eugene Levy/John Candy comedies (with a bonus appearance by SCTV chum Joe Flaherty, preceded by Heavy Metel (it counts), Going Beserk, Splash, and Armed and Dangerous, and in reflection the film does provide for the first time a chance for Candy to be the straight man for the most part, turning in a romantically grounded performance. However, in a film that would be marketed in some markets as Cannonball Fever, maybe if they could have given a funny genius like Candy a typewriter instead of a loose steering wheel, this film could have throttled toward a blockbuster checkered flag!
Sheik Abdul Ben Falafel (M*A*S*H‘s Jamie Farr, the only actor to appear in all three films in the series) is sponsoring another Cannonball run, a cross-country tournament from Connecticut to California. The rules are that a car will win a million dollars if it makes it, but if they’re stopped by police or arrested, the drivers forfeit the money. This time around there are all new contestants, who are all assured they will win, including Candy and Donna (Doctor Detroit) Dixon’s romance in one car, Joe Flaherty’s thug and Matt (Max Hedroom) Frewer’s British con artist, and Tim (Up the Creek) Matheson’s news reporter cruising along from sketch to sketch (each working a few days on the film at most). As the drivers burn rubber (and filmstock), they are unaware that Peter (Young Frankenstein) Boyle’s head captain despises the race and will stop at nothing to make sure not a single motorhead parks in the sand of Santa Monica pier. Great locations, some goofy yet impressive stunts, and good intentions can’t save a movie with only a few laughs, which is not saying much given the talent under the dented hood!
Shock-absorbing your way at a speed limit of ninety minutes, and directed by Jim Drake (who got in the driver’s seat of a lot of TV and Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol), This film reunited the Smothers Brothers in a scene featuring Brook Shields in a Razzie winning performance (there are no bit parts, just junked ones). You might have to search the junkyard for a random VHS of this film, as it has yet to appear on DVD or streaming, but you can find knock-off VHS cuts on YouTube and the like. So if you have the need for sped up films on YouTube (so you can get done watching it sooner), then maybe you might want to take a cross coin try tour of local thrift shops until you find a rare OOP Media version of the re(labeled)titled Speed Zone. However, don’t worry about needing enough road to reach eighty-eighty miles an hour or more to win the race, because where you’re going, you don’t need roads… Well, the right formula is Dom DeLuise and Burt Reynolds (who gave Ruddy that signature Burt laugh when asked to appear in this universal jointed heap pile)!
