It’s the most wonderful time of the year with the kids home from school, jingle-belling with their darn video games, and everyone yelling at you to “Be of good cheer!” Well, if you unplug their consoles from the wall and turn on the TV over the fireplace, you can rest assured it will be the hap-hap-happiest season for watching movies since Bing Crosby kissed Danny (CENSORED) Kay! Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright, but as you roast some chestnuts over the fireplace (admit it, none of you have ever done this ever), why not watch a movie with some holiday cheer of misinformed aliens, a way too jolly Santa (who’s had waaaayyyyy too much eggnog), and Voldar the Robot with eyes all aglow! After you pop in the VHS of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians in your 1982 RCA SelectaVision VGT205 Top Loading VCR, you’ll be watching tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago… in a galaxy not too far away!
Producer Paul Jacobson (with this being the only film wrapped under the production’s holiday tree) wanted to see if reindeer could really fly on screen (and dollars into his pockets) by cornering a market he felt only Walt Disney himself had cornered: the child-friendly feature film. Armed with an ambitious (and hardly paid) crew, $200,000, and a rented converted airplane hangar in Long Island, Jacobson and the gang spent a whopping four days sledding up and down the snow-covered terrain of cinematic wonderland to create a masterpiece of holiday cheer that is quite literally out of this world. Featuring a slew of “firsts” including the screen debut of a young Pia Zedora (Voyage of the Rock Zombies and Butterfly, for which she won a Golden Globe nomination along with a Razzy for the same performance) and the first on-screen appearance ever for the character of Mrs. Claus (though one could argue their marriage was never legal, given there is no official courthouse on the North Pole), Jacobson can be congratulated on one level for doing what he set out to do by bringing a family friendly cult classic to cinema screens, and at the same time be check marked on the naughty list for baking such a celluloid fruitcake! There is not much that can be said for a movie that features green greased children, a warped and demented robot hellbent on killing everyone, and a (my favorite) Martian named Voldar (who, like Wylie E. Coyote, bankrupts Acme trying to kill the big Jolly man himself) except somewhere, stuffed deep in the stocking of good intentions, is a holiday movie sure to delight (or disgust) children of all ages!
Much like the children of Earth, those naughty little Martian kiddos are watching waaaaaaayyyyyyyy too much TV, including interviews from a local TV station of St. Nicolas himself. According to one of the Martian fathers (would they be Pa-rtians?), he believes the number one thing destroying the minds of the children is the lack of freedom and fun. Learning stuff from having their brains attached to machines, the Papa Martian believes that if there were a “real” Santa Claus on Mars, the children would be happier and more productive in society! So, they decide to kidnap Kris Kringle and have him make spirits bright on the giant red marble in the sky! There is just one problem: which Santa is which? Confused by all the shopping mall impersonators (with fresh tinkle all over their red felt laps), the Martians kidnap (noticing a crime pattern here) two earthling children to help them decide who the real Dun Che Lao Ren is. Will the evil powers that disagree with the happiness of a child’s smile succeed in canceling a shimmering green and red (planet) holiday, or will they succeed in getting all they want for Christmas, which is their two front antennae?
Beaming up at a frosty eighty-one minutes, and directed by Nicholas Webster (who would hold the reins on such television gems as Sharks: The Death Machine and Manbeast! Myth or Monster?), the film was sold to legendary producer Joseph E. Levine (The Graduate and They Call Me Trinity) and upon a short theatrical run, disappeared to the island of forgotten Public Domain toys, until rescued by Krampus-like TV producers over the years. You can find this popsicle on every streaming service imaginable, but be sure to watch the infamous MST3K episode, and have some very strong eggnog on hand! So, while hosting your party of toasted carolers, put away some of those old Dickens ghost stories and tell the tales of Christmas long ago when aliens kidnapped Babbo Natale from out of this world! What a most wonderful time of year, don’t ya think?
