It is recommended that frozen food items should never be eaten after one year. It is also recommended you never consume terrible movies, like the chiller thriller Frozen Alive, even if it has been sixty years since its release (wait thirty minutes before Polar Plunging). Just a few years before this film was thawed out to the general public, Professor Robert Ettinger wrote in his seminal research paper on Cryogetics that the idea of turning humans into popsicles was finally possible, and with most scientific breakthroughs, it only took Hollyweird two years to make scientific fact into science fiction. However, a few years after the film’s release the first human, James Bradford (who died of cardiorespiratory arrest) was frozen two hours after his death and is alleged to still be on ice to this very day. We should all be so lucky – not to be frozen with hopes of revival when there is a cure, but that Bradford will not have to see this film ever again (unless they come up with a cure, in which case, hand him some popcorn and a large pop, but no need for ice)!
Several films throughout history dealt with the idea of putting someone in a frozen chamber. From the funny with Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery to the dramatic with Forever Young to the action-packed with Demolition Man, I don’t think any of them took the subject matter seriously or (depending on your mood) as ridiculously as the filmmakers did here! They often say a bad relationship can feel as cold as ice. I am willing to sacrifice my love for frigid terrible movies to know the backdrop of a film about the early years of cryogenics is not the place to deal with the harsh realities of infidelity, the ramifications of the Cold War, suicide, and dysfunction of the ways of life in the early 1960s. We have all heard the infamous story of Walt Disney and the myth he is still alive in a Yeti cooler below the Magic Kingdom waiting for a cure, yet it is stories and movies like these that make the idea seem so far-fetched when in reality we are currently there! Already through the advances in this field, there are soon-to-be cryogenic chemicals that freeze the brain and download the memory of a human to continue on their journey, even after death. Filled with unique camera angles for an independent film in this era, unfortunately for you, this film continued past the first three minutes and it is up to you to take a brisk break from garbage like this or Netflix (or Tubi) and chill!
Over in wintery Berlin, Dr. Frank Overton and Dr. Helen Wieland have had their hands full lately making sure their monkeys have been pretty cool as they experiment on their bodies for cryogenics research (even though this scientific term is only used once throughout the film). After reviving the frozen primates after three months, they feel it is time to take their work further. However, Dr. Frank is married and his wife Joan is not convinced there isn’t some monkey business going on (even though she is having an affair on the side herself). Having been granted prestige by the scientific community, tensions rise when Dr. Frank and Dr. Helen are denied the right to pursue their work on humans. One night when Joan confronts Dr. Frank in a drunken rage, she takes a pistol originally intended for Dr. Helen and takes her own life. Desperate to avoid a scandal (oh yeah, and the whole murder charges thing), Dr. Frank asks Dr. Helen to freeze him to avoid prosecution! Will the plan work, or will the would-be lover and criminal need to take a cold shower during their office marriage? To find out, you’ll have to get your damn stinking paws on a copy of this black and white two-dog-night below zero-scored cinematic icebox.
Curling your way at a crisp 84 minutes, and directed by Bernard Knowles (having directed classics like The Lost People and Spaceflight IC-1: An Adventure in Space), this filmmaker would eventually go on to helm a little-known movie called Magical Mystery Tour starring a snappy little band known as The Beatles! While digging things out of your freezer, you can ice pick this little celluloid ice pack on most streaming platforms and countless Direct-To-DVD bins from Mill Creek Entertainment. Should you plan to be frozen instead of a traditional funeral, heed my advice that you might want to invest in a backup generator. I have watched enough Lou Costello and Jerry Lewis movies to know it only takes one hyperborean moron to trip on the power cord and melt your afterlife worries away.
