Did you ever have a friend come up to you and make a recommendation that you should see a movie and then proceed to tell you the entire plot of the film (thus negating the need to see it), and based on the passion in their voice you are convinced this will be the greatest film of all time, only to find it is a dried up turkey (and your friend is full of scat)? Or did you ever make a copy of a copy? Or read a novelization of your favorite ’90s movie (if you do, read only the ones written by Max Allan Collins), only to find the novel was better than the movie itself (aren’t they always)? These existentialism feelings at these moments must be what the crew responsible (or in violation of) making the 70s era splatter-sploitation chiller thriller Three on a Meat Hook because the film is a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy (not just in how the print looks) of a psychotic merry-go-round breakdown you’ve seen before, but… well, better. This cinematic slab of plot fat tries its best to emulate better films, but butchers (in more ways than one) the plots from films like Psycho, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, Straitjacket, and so on. However, like Xerox trying to create “the office of the future,” it seems great on paper, but it’s cut a little too thin!
There are two similarities between film reels and tender, juicy meat: they should both be stored at a frigid 35 degrees, and you need to trim the fat. However, as you sharpen that Vintage 10″ Blade Foster Bros. Carbon Steel Butcher Knife, keep in mind that trimming too much fat from the film leads to plot holes, short running time, and bad indigestion (take two Milk Duds and call in the morning). As I took my red ticket and watched the film as I waited in line, I did appreciate how difficult it must have been for the Asmen Brothers (producer John, cinematographer William, and editor Henry) to make the film, soliciting most funds from local realtor and director William Girdler’s (not so heavy) piggy bank, but this doesn’t give them the right to sell us tainted meat (taint the meat, it’s the humanity)! Ripped from the (chopped off) headlines of the hideous Ed Gein case, which itself was the basis for Psycho and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the filmmakers scavenged like vultures to suck out every morsel of the stories they could from other films, with a vengeful father instead of a mother to a rack of people hanging on a meat hook to a lead actor unsure if he is the killer or not. Truth is, where there’s a decomposing carcass, there’s a stench, and this film is rotten to the core! So-so acting, weird interludes of hippie-dippy songs (freedom, man, 
), and a romance sub-plot so ridiculous you’d think their brains were made of headcheese! The film does have a good soundtrack by the director himself and one amazing practical effect scene, which will make the audience lose their minds (and their heads), but these cannot make up for the fact that this false-titled hamburger (it looks like five or seven on the hooks) is spoiled!
Besides being sure you put on enough sun-tan lotion and bring a shovel and extra TP for the bathroom, the four girlfriends should have also been prepared not to go home with Billy Townsend. After a great (skinny-dipping) lake swim, the girls are eager to get home until their car breaks down. Young Billy offers them a place to stay the night on his farm right up the road, but tells them to be aware that his father might not like them there. With it being the 70s and Nixon almost on his way out, the girls risk the night and even risk seeing who might end up one of Billy’s midnight snacks. However, somebody has different ideas, and all four (not three) end up dead on a meat rack. When Billy’s father says it is Billy himself doing all the killing when he blacks out, Billy is heartbroken and heads into town to drink away the woes, which is where he (meats) the love of his life, Sherry. Is Billy going to make Sherry taste his recipe for the hideous deed, or does someone else in the family have a sickening appetite (figuratively and literally) for slaughtering the innocent (lambs are too dry. Only brisket is on the special for the day)? Crank up your smoker, chop up something other than wood, and savor the flavor unfolding (your wet wipe)!
Broiling your way at a seared eighty-five minutes, Gridler would go on to grind out films like Abby and Project: Kill before he tragically passed away in the Philippines in a helicopter accident while scouting locations. You can get hooked watching this film on Tubi and other streamers, but you will be hanging in line for a while getting a Blu-ray or even a DVD. According to licensed dieticians, it is recommended that a person only have eighteen ounces of red meat a week to prevent bad habits and live an unhealthy lifestyle. I will be so bold as to say it doesn’t matter how much meat you consume, as long as it’s not at the table with Billy, his father, and the ghost of the woman running around like a chicken with her head cut off!
