It’s naive to think the blood flowing through your veins is just (all-American) red (white, and blue) liquid. Like an amazing cocktail mixed at the Barrio Club, the liquid life we all quench for is a mixture of plasma, H2O, red & white blood cells, and platelets. If you’re anything like Serena, the eternal vampiric sun goddess from the thinly clotted nightmare Blood Thirst, you’ll be drunk off the pure delight of this mixture (unless you take blood thinners). However, hematopathology is not the only mixed bag this black and white mysterioso offers. Hidden within the confines of this American/Filipino co-production is a wild, horrific beverage that truly doesn’t know what it wants to be as you swash it around your tongue (it’s also a great way to get the blood stains off those razor-sharp teeth). A cacophony filled cool glass of (B-grade) Columbo TV episode, vampire-but-not-vampire vampire flick, and a double O-negative James Bond wannabe with actor Robert Winston (whose acting career ended here), the movie was such a confusing concoction upon completion the film remained corked on the bar until released in 1971 as a double bill with the equally bitter amalgamation of Peter Cushing starring (lies)/Hammer rip off Bloodsuckers, a double bill so infamous the posters harked “Notice: We are not responsible for your nightmares when you see this blood-curdling gruesome twosome” (just as I am not responsible for the dryness in your throat as you try your darnedest to swallow this cup of crap)!
Like most cocktails, the enjoyment is all in the hands of the bartender, and in the palms of the film’s bartender, Newt Arnold, the drink was a little watered down. For a movie of this kind (although I doubt there have ever been others like it), it is well-polished and, like a commercial, looks impeccable… until that burning first gulp! The camera work by Hermo Santos is strong (and smooth), and so is the majority of the writing by N.I.P. Dennis (most likely a pseudonym, being the writer’s only credit), but all of this can’t make up for the picture’s weakest ingredient: the monster! What can be said about this other than how horrific it looks, and for this sicker-flicker, that’s not a compliment. Originally designed for an episode of The Outer Limits titled “A Feasibility Study,” the creature looks like a dried raisin mixed with melting Nutella, but this is not even the worst of its crimes. The real ghastly atrocity is the draining fact that the melting mud monster is not the true villain of the picture, but the beautiful Serena, who uses the mashed potatoes monster to catch people and collect their blood for her raging beauty. Although it is more enjoyable to watch the beautiful Serena (Yvonne Nielson) on screen than the walking pile of septic tank residue, plot-wise, it makes no sense! Who is this creature? Where does it come from? Why does it look like a Wendy’s large frosty melting on a summer’s day? Serena could be the sole villainous subject who collects the blood, and they could have saved (like four pisos) and would not have to rely on dishwasher residue monsters from better TV shows to fill their abominable glasses.
There has been an onslaught of murders in the peaceful Manila villages, and the case seems to be too complicated for Inspector Ramos (I feel life is complicated for him), so he hires the services of his friend from America, New York City detective and sex-crimes specialist Detective Adam Rourke. Armed with deducing skills, a cleft chin, and dimples to die for, Detective Rourke starts to investigate… and investigate… and investigate some more… and does some more investigating after that investigating (it keeps going, and going, and going…), eventually leading to him not knowing a doggone thing! Eventually through informants, some quick pot shots in his hotel room, and a continuous diet of sly smiles and wet martinis, Detective Rourke finds the truth: the killings are happening by the club lead dancer Serena, who is a vampiric witch woman who must feed on the blood of women to keep her nine-hundred year old skin looking pretty (she should try moisturizing lotion). Will Detective Rourke and company be able to stop the evil Serena, or will she keep slurping on the sanguine fluid of the bold and the beautiful (I’ve heard hot water and soap operas get blood stains out of clothing)?
Blending your way on the rocks at a chilled seventy-four minutes, Arnold left the captain’s chair to be a successful assistant director (AD for The Godfather I & II and The Devil’s Brigade), winning awards for his work from the Directors Guild of America. You can find this on some streamers like Tubi and YouTube, but try not to faint from lack of oxygen in your bloodstream when you nab the rare OOP double feature DVD of this and Bloodsuckers from Image Entertainment. So the next time you find yourself dressed in terrible Hawaiian shirts behind a Filipino bar while The Beach Boys pours out of the jukebox, make sure you pay close attention to the cocktail recipe book to guarantee the ultimate Bloody Mary, which consists of a celery stick, salt & pepper, and blood from the perfect distanced puncture marks on the throat for proper drainage (talk about a pain in the neck)!
