B Movie Challenge: (The) Last Woman on Earth

Not if I were the last man on Earth (yeah, I heard that in a shady bar a thousand times before) would I ever think there was a correlation between the Roger Corman semi-classic (The) Last Woman on Earth and one of AFI’s 100 best films of all time Chinatown. Remember in the film, at the very end when calming Jack Nicholson (a graduate of the Corman School of Film) the guy speaks the immortal words “Forget about it, Jake. It’s Puerto Rico!” Both of these films were written by Robert Towne (also acting here under the pseudonym Edward Wain), another Corman School alum, and say what you want about noir writers like James M. Cain, Jim Thompson, or Mickey Spillane, not a single one of these Billy-Shakspeares’-with-a-revolver ever wrote the likes of two men battling over a femme-fatale by fish-slapping on a row boat (it’s one way to flex your mussels)! They say love is crazy, and if this film proves anything, it’s that if two men amount to a hill of baked beans in this crazy world with only one woman left to fight over, maybe they should have vacationed with a woman who is not a double crossing, fence riding, half-in-half-out cheater (but you can’t say she isn’t fun). If your idea for a fun Friday night is a cocktail mix of Science Fiction and noir (Blade Runner this ain’t), then lay down the beach towel, roll up your chinos, and dive into a world of affairs, jealousy, and lust-is-a-must beach party bingo as you cancel your island vacation at Sandles (like shooting fish in a barrel)!

A classic noir script barnacled to a slim (if not preposterous) end-of-the-world scenario so Corman could sell it to drive-ins, the movie does what Corman does best: create an amazing poster campaign (which included an entry for a beauty contest), hire cheap soon-to-be-not-so-cheap talent, and minimize cost in a beautiful location by film three movies at once (now that’s a working vacation)! Known as The Puerto Rico Trilogy (by hardcore nutsos only), Corman and company figured they could make two films in the tropical local after discovering their tax shelters for manufacturing, which included film production. After filming this shocker-schlocker along with the WWII drama Battle of Blood Island Corman had funds left over, and never one to finish a surf and turf plate unless it’s bone dry, and used some of the leftover funds to make Creature from the Haunted Sea, using the same cast and crew for the most part. After watching himself act in these films, Towne (or Wain) said “I didn’t see myself as an actor. And that movie confirmed my suspicions.” However, even though he went on to win multiple awards including an Oscar for screenwriting, he’s no crp when it comes to acting. All three leads, including Betsy Jones-Moreland as the rotten wife and Antony Carbone as the jealous husband, are in fine form, as is the colorful (for once in a Corman picture) cinematography by Jacques Marquette (who lensed other classics like The Brain From Planet Arous and Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman). The only Poseidon wave of the film is why this unknown epidemic kills all of the people of the world, except our three leads just because they were scuba diving at the time in Davy Jones’s locker (why one of The Monkees buried his royalties in the ocean makes as much sense as the ‘Porpoise Song’). It might have made as much sense to keep it as a straight dirty crime thriller in a tropical setting instead of trying to appease the teenage land lubbers thirsty for sci-fi fishsticks.

It’s been a rough few years for Harold (Carbone) with his various dirty deeds (done dirt cheap) of gambling and floundering in his marriage. It has been equally as rough for his wife Evelyn (Jones-Moreland), but more so for his lawyer Martin (Towne or Wain), who follows Harold on his island (literal) getaway. After Harold shows what he is truly made of as a man to his wife, Martin thinks maybe the grass is greener under Evelyn’s volcano. After leaving Harold to his devil Fish devices, Martin joins Evelyn for a midnight cap of a little acrobatics on the hotel window, realizing maybe the married couple are piranhas in the water. However, this doesn’t keep Martin from trying to place his worm on the hook. After taking a boat ride to try out Harold’s new scuba gear, while all three are playing marco polo, the world farts killing everyone, everywhere, all at once (maybe you can use hot dog fingers to catch a mineral). When they arrive back on the island, they discover they are in the right location, as the local foliage saved their life. After scouting the island to find everyone dead, the trio try their best to move on only there is one snag – there is one unicorn fish left in the world and two swordfish swashbuckling for her blowhole! Will Evelyn let go of her narcissistic nature preying on their male lebidos or will the two men settle their egos enough by dumping the red-lipped batfish, realizing even unicorn fish know how to travel bi-coastel?

Speargunning at you at a scally seventy-one minutes, all three films would be released as a double feature with other Corman (somewhat) classics, with this film swimming alongside The Little Shop of Horrors. You can see all three films in The Puerto Rico Trilogy streaming on the poop deck of the S.S. Public Domain, but true game fishers you might want to net the triple feature DVD from Image Entertainment with an exclusive interview on all three films by Corman himself. So bate your lore with this VHS red lobster and as you caste it into the sea of RCA SelectaVision VGT205 you might drown for its smarmy charm like Harold and Martin do for Evelyn, but then you’ll understand that love is truly blind (talk about a real blind date)!

About Ian Klink

As a filmmaker, writer, and artist, Ian Klink’s work includes the feature film Anybody’s Blues, the novel Lucky from New Fangle Press, and short stories for Weren't Another Way to Be: Outlaw Fiction Inspired by Waylon Jennings, The Beauty in Darkness: Illustrated Poetry Anthology, Negative Creep: A Nirvana-Inspired Anthology, A-Z of Horror: U is for Unexplained, Hellbound Books Anthology of Flash Fiction, The Creeps, Vampiress Carmilla, The Siren’s Call, and Chilling Tales For Dark Nights. Born and raised in Iowa, Klink lives in Pennsylvania where he shares his talents as a teacher of multimedia studies.

View all posts by Ian Klink

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